Squirrel Invasion

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Sciurus carolinensis is a particularly odious rodent in that he appears harmless, what with his cheery, bounding gait and carefree tree clambering. Sitting upon a fence gnawing away on an acorn, his is the epitome of furry cuteness.

In our south St. Louis city neighborhood, gray squirrels are quite populous and completely useless. I'd find myself with a little love for these fluffy little varmints if instead of acorns they ate the gumballs that litter our sidewalks year 'round. An acorn will flatten under my heel should I step on it, but the fruit of the sweet gum tree is nature's ball bearing, and are worse than useless, actually creating a substantial hazard.

Squirrels have mostly stayed off my radar. While they are essentially useless, they do not trouble me like their fellow fauna, the pigeon. Pigeons have in the recent past earned my lethal attention by coating various surfaces with foul spoor. Tired of picking up my hose and grasping vinyl slick with filth, I took up arms against them, plugging their fat, feathered bodies with lead pellets until they found another home to use as a toilet.

Unfortunately, the local squirrel duchy has roused my anger. One afternoon, I took a call from my frantic wife. "A squirrel is in the house, can you call Critter Control?" she asks. "What?" I respond. I'm not sure what was so hard to understand, there aren't many common homonyms for squirrel. "A whirl is in the house" would have been nonsensical, but that's not what she said.

Gemey described the invasion, her telling littered with salty oaths, mostly "and then the little &^%$#...". A giant gray had bolted through the open door and perpetrated a whirlwind of frenzied destruction. Tin cans toppled, teapots broken. The damn thing gnawed on at least two window frames.

Critter Control wanted $125.00 to set out traps, a common fee among the various private pest assassins. The city will help you with a canine, but you are on your own with a squirrel. It did not occur to me to claim that it was an incredibly fast, amazingly small, fluffy, gray dog.

Though an emergency, a squirrel will not kill you, so I did not run home to cope with the invader. My brother in law came by, and declared the house rodent-free, the hairy little missile probably escaping while Gemey was frantically calling for help. Neighborhood raconteur Wally was not so sure, and cautioned us against sleeping after eating peanut butter. We did set out a trap in the house, but caught only a dust bunny.

Out of curiosity I set the trap outside with a cracker smeared with peanut butter as bait. The bait disappeared, and I tried again with peanuts. I caught a starling. I set the trap again. The next day, it was full of gray fury (did you know that squirrels growl?).

I asked Gemey if this was the squirrel, but she couldn't make a positive ID. I had to kick him loose, but I warned him to mind his step, we were watching him.

Tim McNabb is editor and publisher of http://www.fivehundredwords.com.

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School Lunch - For Free?

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Those who think that hot school lunches are of modern origin with Uncle Sam providing his share of the cost never attended a certain country school in charge of a young woman teacher who was ahead of her time. I remember my Dad telling the following story:

Back in the "good old days" nearly every kid took their lunch to school. It was packed by their mothers in a syrup tin which had been washed out. It had a good handle and held just enough for small stomachs and usually consisted of whatever the evening meal had been the day before. With water from the school well, the kids were satisfied.

Technically speaking, what she the teacher initiated wasn't a hot lunch, even though it was served at noon. Folks up and down the road for miles around revolved their days around breakfast, dinner and supper, in that order, beginning at daylight or before.

So what the teacher prepared in the middle of the day was really hot dinner. The dinner was a one-shot deal and maybe the menu didn't measure up to all the nutritional standards wished upon us today, but it adequately filled that empty space below a kid's ribcage.

It was the teacher's idea that on a given day her kids could forget their dinner buckets and eat bean soup prepared on location, which meant the school's pot bellied heater would be turned into a cook stove for the day.

Kids were asked to bring their own bowls, a handful of dried beans and a hunk of cornbread if that was what they liked with bean soup. Of course, well water was still the drink of choice.

Cost to the township was practically nothing since the teacher brought her cooking pot and there was plenty of water at the pump. Since the fire had to be kept going at full blast, however, perhaps taxpayers were out an extra bucket of coal.

Bottom Line? School lunches were possible even before Uncle Sam started the school lunch program. I'm sure you or someone in your family can relate to stories like this one.. If you enjoyed this article, I'm sure you would enjoy my Free Newsletter. In it you will find many interesting tips, articles and "olde timey" stories, you can sign up at: http://www.seniorhwy.com/newsletter.htm

From Toni Shrader, a Baby Boomer and Senior Highway

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Clocking Tuna in a Cubicle Maze

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Many years ago I landed a position with a large company and worked hard to prove myself.

My year-end evaluation score was disappointingly low. Crestfallen, I probed my uncommunicative manager as to what I was doing wrong. He kept returning to the fact I took lunch breaks at my desk, where I read the daily newspaper.

"Is there a policy that says I can't eat at my desk?" I asked.

"No, you can eat at your desk. It just doesn't look good to read the newspaper at your desk," he replied.

This being my first run-in with a cubicle culture, I had more questions.

"Don't I get 45 minutes for lunch?"

"Yes, you do."

"Is that my time or your time?"

"It's your time, but you shouldn't be reading the paper at your desk during that time," he said.

"Then it's not really my time, is it?"

"Look," he said, "You can do whatever you want during lunch. I'm just saying you don't want to read your paper at lunch."

"But that's the problem," I replied, "I DO want to read the paper at lunch. Why isn't that covered under the 'whatever I want to do with my own time' clause?"

"Because it looks bad," he answered.

"Looks bad to whom?" I asked. "My coworkers go out for lunch. This is a secure area. People from other divisions can't wander through our department even if they want to. What does it matter if I read on my own time?"

"I don't want you reading the paper at lunch," he insisted. "If you do, I will continue to take off points on your review."

I thought about our little conversation until lunch-time that day.

When the office emptied, I got out my tuna fish sandwich and wandered into my manager's empty office, took a bite and looked around. My eyes fell on his wall clock. I took it down and examined the back. Bingo! Except for the mechanism and the batteries, there was an empty area crying out for fish.

Taking another bite for sizing purposes, I stuffed the bulk of my tuna sandwich into the cavity of the clock.

Re-hanging the clock, I left the office, walking into a bright sunny day. I sat in the park for the next hour reading my newspaper. Everybody else in the office took hour plus lunch breaks, so I determined to take an hour and fifteen minutes from then on, using my time to read the paper in a restaurant instead of answering phone calls at my desk during "my time."

A few days later the odor in his office reached a peak, but he was a manager, and could not find the source till months later when Daylight Savings Time rolled around.

Carrying the desiccated sandwich to my desk, he asked if I knew anything about it.

I remarked only that it had been a very long time indeed since I had brought my lunch from home to eat at my desk while reading the newspaper.

My next "performance" review indicated surprising improvement.

If you need to punch up an evaluation, fish sandwiches work.

Mike Ogden asks sometimes humorous, always thought provoking questions and tells stories with a twist and a point at the Ifs Of OG.

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The Hottest Las Vegas Comedy Shows

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All sorts of different options are available in Las Vegas for entertainment and the shows there are among the hottest parts of Las Vegas entertainment. Many popular comedy shows are featured among these shows. All sorts of different Las Vegas comedy shows are featured including shows with some of the top comedians in the country and many unique individual clubs.

The Improv at Harrah's is one of the top comedy shows in all of Las Vegas. This show has been ongoing at Harrah's for more than a decade and has been home to a variety of different comedians. Three different comedians play at each show with a rotating lineup of comedians throughout the year. Among the many comedians who have played here include comedy favorites like Richard Lewis and Mark Curry along with legends like Jerry Seinfeld and Drew Carey.

The Riviera has its own comedy show too. The Riviera Comedy Club has been around since 1987 and has been home to all sorts of comedians. Three different comedians appear here each week. Among these popular comedians include Riviera regular Tom Simmons, Larry Reeb, Dom Irrera, Pete George and Lisa Mende.

Many individual comedians have ongoing shows at Las Vegas. Noted improvisational comedian and former talk show host Wayne Brady has his own show at the Venetian Showroom. "Wayne Brady: Making It Up!" is a popular show that features a variety of unscripted acts and songs from the former "Whose Line Is It Anyway" star and his noted assistant Jonathan Mangum. Lots of audience participation is featured.

Rita Rudner has been in the field of comedy for decades and she has her own show at the Theater at Harrah's. This show, which plays six days a week, is a family friendly show featuring all sorts of deadpan bits from the comedic legend.

Comedian and former "Family Feud" host Louie Anderson has his own show at the Thunder From Down Under Showroom at Excalibur. "Louie Anderson: Larger Than Life" is a popular show thanks to Anderson's humorous stories about growing up and general life.

Even Playboy has its own comedy show. Playboy Comedy, which is at the Lounge at Palms, is a more mature option for Las Vegas entertainment. The club hosts its own unique shows each month. The club, which is hosted by Cort McCown and Paul Hughes, features all sorts of different comedians throughout the year. A different highlight comedian is featured each month too. The popular magazine's Playmate of the Month is also featured at each show.

These Las Vegas comedy shows are among the top choices for Las Vegas entertainment. These include all sorts of notable comedians with their own ongoing shows and many unique offerings at all sorts of popular venues around the Strip. These are make for some great choices when looking for shows around Las Vegas.

Find out more about Las Vegas shows at http://lasvegasshows.bestreferenceguide.com

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Beat the Stress - Laugh at Short Funny Jokes

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Stress is a staple part of life. Contrary to popular belief, stress can actually come from almost every situation whether they bring excitement, happiness, sadness of anxiety. What makes this a thing of complexity is that stress actually differs from person to person. On the other hand, no matter how complicated the math of stress may be, the mere act of laughing at short funny jokes, expressing feelings, and smiling could release one of the perils of stress.

Stress' effect on the body is contingent upon its intensity. In small quantities, stress can be a source of productivity and motivation. However, too much of it could yield adverse emotional, physical and mental effects for a person. In fact, experiencing too much stress could result to depression, heart disease and infection. It is also said to be one of the causes of overeating, alcoholism, and drug abuse. Fluctuating emotional states, low blood sugar, heart diseases, and overactive thyroids are also believed by science to be some effects of stress.

The fast-paced world clouded by the pressures of work and the demands of living compounds stress. This is why spa and sauna businesses have been a booming industry in the recent years because people are made to believe that availing their services is the only effective means to de-stress. However, there is no need to go on a money splurging activity to relieve stress. Here are some simple ways by which you could deal with stress without having to burn some cash.

1. Learn to smile.
Don't undermine the power of smiling. Take every opportunity to flash that million dollar smile. As surprising as it may seem, smiling could actually lighten a very unpleasant situation.

2. Talk about what stresses you.
Talking about problems and sources of anxiety is a great way to release the burden of having to deal with a stressful day. It doesn't only relieve stress; it also enriches your social life and keeps you in touch with friends and family.

3. Keep a journal and write about your feelings.
There are some people who might not be that comfortable sharing their emotions to others no matter how close they are to the person. When such is the case, journal writing is the way to go. Writing about what happened during the day is a manner of cleansing oneself of all the anxieties during a hard day at work.

4. Reading a book that interests you.
Reading a good book increases your knowledge, and do well for your overall health. A really inspiring book can elicit a feeling of lightness and motivation in a person. Sometimes, it can even encourage a person to act on life-changing decisions.

5. Laughing at short funny jokes.
Studies show that 40% of people who have heart diseases are less likely to be inclined to laughing. As funny as it may seem, laughter might just be the cheapest and easiest way to relieve stress. Joking around with friends, watching funny films or TV shows and reading funny comics are cheap and fun solutions to de-stress.

Stress may be part of everyday living, but that doesn't necessarily equate to letting it through and take over. Accentuating the positive is a solution to deal with it. After all, stress is not what occurs; it's how one reacts to it.

A Computer Engineering student and loves to travel. Reading current news in the internet is one of his past times. Taking pictures of the things around him fully satisfies him. He loves to play badminton and his favorite pets are cats.

For more information and queries, you may visit Short Funny Jokes

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History of the High Five

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The high five is way past trend status. It is a part of our culture. While our youth, and certain Presidential candidates "pound" it, this may still be just a trend. The high five is forever.

I think it should stay forever. There are a few reasons why I like the high five and unfortunately for you I am about to disclose them.

The first reason; it's fun. Pretty simple, I like doing it.

The second reason; because when people attempt to high five and bungle it you have to laugh. Who does not think to themselves upon seeing two people completely miss each other's hands "Wow, they are so un-cool. I am so embarrassed for them."

The third reason; you know when you give someone a high five something good has just happened. Perhaps someone has just won the Super Bowl or the World Series. Someone could have just landed some girl's phone number that he does not have a chance in heck of going on a date with. Remember when you found out that OJ Simpson was going to actually serve time and be held accountable for something he had done? How many high fives did you give that day?

My wife and I shared a high five yesterday. If you are married with children it is the best kind of high five a couple can share. It is the high-five that occurs when you get in the car after you drop your two kids, both under the age of two off, at their Aunt's house for the day so that their parents can have an entire day to themselves.

What did we do on this glorious day. We went to lunch, to the doctor, ran some additional errands and took a glorious, precious nap. Yeah!

You might ask yourself if this was worthy of a high five. You bet your rear end it was. We might not have been going to Disney World afterwords but taking a nap was just as good and a heckuva lot cheaper.

Certain things occur that are not worthy of a high five. Getting a bill in the mail does not qualify. Toothaches are not worthy. No one has ever high-fived anyone after hitting a deer with their car. The point is, the high five is the international symbol for "it's going to be a good day."

Now for a little history of the high five. There are many different ideas for the origin of this form of expression.

It seems that the first time it was used and exposed to the world at large was in 1977 at a Dodgers game. Dusty Baker hit a home run and as he crossed the plate on-deck hitter Glenn Burke raised his hand and Dusty slapped it.

Also in 2002, students at the University of Virginia (their claim, not mine) originated the first National High Five Day. You do not believe me, check it out.

There is one more reason I like the high five. It requires two people. You cannot perform a high five by yourself. Well you can try but you might look silly doing it.

Since it does require two people it means that you have someone with you that you can share whatever joy it is that you have just experienced. That alone, sometimes, is worth it.

Dan Bimrose is the creator of http://www.coffeeandprozac.com a website devoted to making people think, laugh or cry. Daily Opinions, Editorials, and Stories. He suggests dropping bread crumbs so that you can find your way back on a daily basis. Dan has also just unveiled his latest website http://www.tuesdaysreleases.com which provides a convenient place for people to discover the latest DVD movies which have been released at their local video store.

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Ten Things Not to Give Out As Wedding Favours

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The tradition of giving out wedding favours is a real old one. Blame it on the European aristocrats, While porcelain, crystals and precious stones were the practices of the old, the modern-day brides & grooms have evolved into more practical beings. The new trend in wedding favours: practical, memorable and personalised. However, there have been quite a few slip-ups over the recent years. Maybe they did not heed the advices of bridal boutiques. Or maybe they just wanted their wedding favours to be truly unique. If you do not wish to be belong to this wedding favour-disaster clique, note the top ten no-nos in wedding favours.

10. Laptop sleeves
If your guests consists mostly of young laptop-toting professionals, then this may seem right. However, if what are the grannies going to do with this? Turn it into a heating pad?

9. Pen
Yes, it is too conventional -- exactly the reason why it is on the list. If you cannot help it, at least make the pen more personal, such as engraving your names of faces perhaps.

8. Cheese Grater
Like what is the point? You want to give the things something memorable and special, not something they might hang in the kitchen. Cheese graters are unique, yes. But wedding favour material? Uh.. NO.

7. Pizza slicer
Wedding favours ought to be romantic. Not traumatic. Pizza slicers are downright un-romantic. And scary at that. Try something less terrifying. Perhaps a pot of flowers would be better.

6. Potholder
The potholder is useful. The potholder may be ideal for gifts as well. But as a wedding memorabilia, it sucks.

5. Shower curtain
Now this is the perfect example of a tasteless pricey wedding favour. If you really feel the urge to give out something which your guests might use inside the bathroom, try a shower cap or a soap. That's a league beyond shower curtains.

4. Mirrors
When your guests receive mirrors as wedding favours, for sure, they are going to wonder what exactly is that you want them to do with it. It's a confusing gift. Remember that wedding favours reflect your personality. Just imagine what mirrors would say about you.

3. Feather duster
This is worse than a mirror. It is tasteless, and well, plain crazy. It is indeed a useful household tool, but it completely defeats the purpose of having wedding favours. It completely takes out the "romantic" in wedding favours.

2. Matches
First of all, just think, what would the guests do with those matches? Even if you give away velvet-boxed matches wrapped in silk ribbons, it still would not work. It is NOT special and NOT memorable. Even you would not know what to do with it, right?

And at the top of our list:
1. Butcher's knife
The butcher's knife is scary, horrible, morbid and absurd. It is a wedding. The guests are supposed to leave the gala happy and weepy (in some cases), not mad and confused. Unusual may be the trend nowadays, but going overboard won't make your wedding day as great as it should be. Instead of these weird items, why don't you try sweets instead? Try those yummy wedding cakes in Toronto, daintily wrapped in little boxes. Although it won't last so long, at least you know that you made your guests quite happy with such a wedding favour.

Best for Bride Bridal Store
5359 Dundas St. West (at Kipling)
Etobicoke, ON, Canada, M9B 1B1

Need wedding favours and wedding cakes in Toronto? Visit the bridal boutique that has it all. Visit BestForBrides.

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No Scrub Cow Was Ever Mangled to Death by a Train!

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Its amazing how the worth of a persons worldly goods goes up when there's a possibility that the loss they have suffered may be compensated by an insurance company.

As any insurance adjuster will tell you, the people are few and far between who will admit to losing shoddy merchandise by theft, fire or other disaster.

A stolen coat is by no means an ordinary garment as the label would plainly show. This assumption is fairly safe since the label disappeared with the coat and now who is to know? Only coats of recent origin fall into the hands of the unscrupulous. In lieu of a sales slip to date the age of the garment, there is a glowing description of a coat almost new - worn a couple of times, once to church and once to grandma's funeral.

Household goods will decrease in age in increase in value when they have been "burgled" or burned. Only brand names that speak of the highest quality have been lost and should be paid for on that basis.
The loser may ease their conscience by admitting that the stuff they lost had been subject to some wear or tear, but because of age it had become a family heirloom.

"These items can never be replaced," the loser moans. This may be a true statement. Without going to the city dump, it might be impossible to duplicate furnishings in the same state of dilapidation. Nearer to the truth in many cases would be the fact that the items lost were given to the family by in laws or some other family member when they started housekeeping and they would long ago have been hauled to the furniture graveyard if there had been money to buy something new.

Before most of today's claim-conscious tribe was born, the gullibility of railroads was tested every time a train hit a cow who had the poor judgment to get on the tracks. No scrub cow was ever mangled to death by a train. The deceased was always the best animal in the herd and definitely worth more than market value. Why such valuable livestock wasn't kept under lock and key never altered the fact that much money should change hands.

Settling an insurance claim often becomes a battle of wits as the search continues for truth which must be hidden somewhere under a mass of exaggerated verbiage.

If the claim is paid, the company man is a gentleman and a scholar. If he turns thumbs down or limits compensation, he is either a heel, a tightwad or a crook, or a combination of all three. Using the fallacy that two wrongs make a right, some claimants justify their actions as a means of what they consider "ill-gotten gains."

We seem to remember that Robin Hood had this same idea of taking from the rich and giving it to the poor. Hopefully, the majority of those seeking insurance compensation have the integrity to tell it like it is when a loss occurs. But there seems to be a growing number of those who have adopted dishonesty as their best policy and this shows up in the rates all of us have to pay.

If you enjoyed this article, I'm sure you would enjoy my Free Newsletter In it you will find many interesting tips, articles and "olde timey" stories, you can sign up at: http://www.seniorhwy.com/newsletter.htm

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5 Stand Up Comedy DVDs to Ask For This Christmas

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DVDs from various stand up comics are very popular at this time of the year, and they sell by the bucketload because they make excellent Christmas presents. So which stand up comedy DVDs are worth getting this year, either for yourself or for your friends and family?

Well there are five that caught my eye and they are as follows:

1. Michael McIntyre - Live And Laughing

Michael McIntyre is the funniest comedian around at the moment in my opinion, and he is really starting to establish himself as a top-class comic. His hilarious appearance on Live At The Apollo last week will have helped, but the great thing about Michael McIntyre is that he is exceptionally funny, both in terms of his actual material and the way he delivers his jokes. I maybe biased because I'm a huge fan, but this is my top choice of stand up DVD this Christmas.

2. Lee Evans - Big - Live At The O2

Lee Evans' DVD was close behind because he is also one of the best comedians around. He is already a household name and indeed one of the most popular comedians in the world, however I still find McIntyre to be slightly funnier. If you are a Lee Evans fan, however, you will love this new DVD because it features two and a half hours of brand new material and is a must-have item for any Lee Evans fan.

3. Frankie Boyle Live

Frankie Boyle is a stand up comic who has become a pretty big name in comedy thanks to his constant appearances on Mock The Week in the last few years. Indeed every week he completely steals the show and outshines all the other comedians who appear on there with his brilliantly savage and near-the-knuckle brand of humour. So this DVD promises to provide lots of laughs if his appearances on Mock The Week are anything to go by.

4. Dara O'Briain Talks Funny - Live In London

I don't personally think Dara O'Briain adds anything to Mock The Week, but despite that his stand up material is actually very good. I saw one of his live shows on TV a few months ago and it was extremely funny so if this is a benchmark, then it's a fair bet that his new DVD will be equally as funny.

5. Bill Bailey - Tinselworm

My final choice of DVD is the new one from Bill Bailey. What I like about Bill Bailey is that he is obviously a very talented musician and his musical material is just as impressive and as funny as the more conventional stand-up stuff he does. This DVD filmed at Wembley Stadium should be just as funny as his previous DVDs, which are also brilliant.

Click here to find out more about the Michael McIntyre Live And Laughing DVD and the Lee Evans - Big - Live At The O2 DVD, and to read about many other top-selling DVDs.

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They Don't Look Expensive

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I know what you want. You want to hear a war story. Here ya go, this is a fun one.

I was hired to perform strolling close-up magic for an hour at a private party. These are probably my favorite shows to do. I'm in and out quick and the people get to see a ton of magic up close and personal in a very short span of time.

Anyway, I was leaving the party when these two women see me. One of them shrieks, "You're the magician. Oh my God, I have heard so many things about you, do a trick."

Technically, I was done at this time. I asked where they'd been and they said they just arrived. Normally, I have no problem doing a little extra time for my clients. It's all part of my promise to over deliver when they hire me.

However, you get a sense about people after years of doing this. Actually, you didn't have to be overly intuitive to pick up on the weird factor. It also didn't help that she ordered me to do a trick. Magicians love being talked to like dogs.

Of course, I always err on the side of nice. Besides, they were both pretty hot. So, I do the magician equivalent of rolling over, fetching, and playing dead. After the first trick, they scream, they hug me, they dance around, they scream some more, and they ask me to do another.

Now, this is more like it. Sure, they came off a little rough, but they're really into the magic! I begin another miracle when I notice that the woman who was so into everything is now driving the heel of her very high heel shoes into the top of my foot. She's attempting to balance on this spike but she's kind of just going in half circles continuing to put all of her weight on top of my foot.

Remember, there's just two of them and she randomly decides to do this. Her friend acts like it's completely normal. I said, "Excuse me, please stop standing on my foot. Your heel is going to destroy my shoes, not to mention, you're hurting me."

Her response?

"I'm light and your shoes don't look expensive."

Well, she WAS skinny, and I DID get a great deal on my shoes on Santee Alley. Still, just because she was technically correct, I still found it to be one of the oddest things somebody has done.

She knew I was leaving and that she missed me because she was late. She knew I was staying longer just to entertain her and her friend. She was the most enthusiastic audience member I'd come across that night, but despite all of this, she was nuts.

Zach Waldman is a professional stand-up comedian and magician. He can be reached at 310-922-6244 or visit his web site for tons of information on making your next event memorable and unique! http://www.zachwaldman.com

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